December 30 2009 10:59:06 AM
On Choices
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So why is it that the easy path is so damn hard to live? I wonder if every choice actually has the same price. They only differ in the currency you pay them with.
December 30 2009 10:51:39 AM
Traveler
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Where do you come from?
Where are you going?
My fellow traveler,
through time and space.
perhaps you care not,
whence you go
or for why.
perhaps it doesn't matter anyway.
Still I wonder,
if the path we take
to our final common destination
makes all the difference.
May 13 2009 11:34:50 AM
Failings
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Ok, I admit it. I packrat stuff on my computer.
At least I keep it relatively organized. So I was going through my old resume stuff, because as circumstances would have it, it appears to be that time again; and I found some old cover letters that I wrote back around 2003 when I was trying to leave Colonial. They were actually quite well written and I recall very clearly fretting over the minute details of the wording. One was to Blizzard [Entertainment] and the other was to Pixar. I would have been thrilled to work at either company. Pixar didn't even bother sending me a response and Blizzard sent me a little postcard saying something to the affect of "We're considering you, along with some other folks". I took that to mean that I'd made it past the first round. I was estatic. I walked on air for the first week. The second week, I became wary and sullen. The third I was surrounded by the gloom of impending doom when sure enough, the next postcard came saying "Sorry, you didn't make it. But we'll keep your resume on file for a few months". I didn't even realize that I'd held on to a glimmer of hope until I read that. Otherwise, the crushing feeling wouldn't have been so painful.
Sometimes I think that I might actually like this industry if I worked at the right place. Had the right environment. I guess I'll never know.
March 10 2009 07:25:54 PM
Tolerance
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I wish that I could move past tolerating my life and on to living it.
It seems that it gets a little bit harder every day to convince myself that it's worth getting out of bed. Too many people, too much white noise, endless menial tasks, most of which are pointless. We're all just busy ants. Waiting for time to come along and squash us.
February 18 2009 07:07:02 PM
The Plight of the Panda
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I found myself thinking about the Panda this morning.
It is indeed a bear that is fully capable of being omnivorous, but chooses to only eat a few species of bamboo that provide a bare minimum of sustenance that they eek by on. And they are dying. Like many species other than homo sapiens, they are on the decline. Crowded out by man, who destroys the very specific habitat that they need to survive. But this is not their biggest problem.
They won't breed to save their own species. Maybe the panda has given up? Maybe they've realized that they don't have a place in this world that we're busy building. So next time you see a Panda at the zoo, take a picture. Soon that will be all that's left.
April 01 2008 12:31:19 PM
Absent Savior
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Everywhere I look I see people begging to be saved. The saddest thing is they don't even know it yet.
March 26 2008 03:00:56 PM
The Swirling Vortex
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I get this feeling sometimes. And it's really hard to capture. It's like a black vortex swirling all around me. Throughout me. Pulling me in all directions, and therefore none at all. I'm just stuck there in the middle, being pulled apart.
February 08 2008 05:16:02 PM
Fill Me Up with Empty
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I keep coming back here.
Looking for something, looking for meaning in this void. I think I've always found my solace in learning. I found my joy in books. The Internet is endless information. Endless entertainment. Something to sink into. I think I look for happiness here, but I'm always left feeling empty - unfulfilled.
There are answers here, but they aren't the ones I need.
January 02 2008 05:09:47 PM
A Comfortable Prison
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It's so gradual that we don't even notice.
It starts with a crib. Bars in pastel colours for our own protection. Then schools where we're taught to be compliant, do as we're told; think as we're told. We're groomed and primed for the ultimate prison.
Work.
Somewhere along the way the human race forgot why we work. Ancient peoples toiled only just as much as they needed to to have enough to eat. We work incessantly today so that we may maintain the extravagent lifestyles that all people in industrilized nations enjoy. But do we really enjoy them at the price that we pay?
We pay with our youth. We pay with our freedom. And in the end, we pay with our lives. Is it really worth it all to have an ipod and a widescreen TV? Are you really giving your children a better life? Or just a really comfortable prison?
November 19 2007 01:54:25 PM
The Missing Pieces
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I think I know what I need to do. I think I've always known.
There are parts of me that I left behind, long ago. Parts that were so badly damaged, I cut them from me and left them to whither in the glacial landscape of my past. Believe not what the Christians say; Hell is a frozen wasteland, without a spark of warmth.
I have to go back. I have to recover the bits of my soul that I left for dead. Lest their phantoms haunt me always.
October 15 2007 04:31:44 PM
Our Highly Mobile Society
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I fear I'm in danger of becoming an anti-technologist. Everywhere I look, I see busy, busy bees. Cell phones, WiFi, Starbucks proliferation. We work everywhere now. All the time, constantly connected.
Does anyone ever stop and ask why it's so important? Everyone wants the drive through version. What do we do with all this time we save?
Work more, so we can buy more stuff. If we weren't all perfect consumers, what would we do with our time?
October 15 2007 01:55:53 PM
Choices
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Everyday, we make choices, great and small. Those choices weave the fabric of our lives, as well as the lives of those we touch.
It's not only the things we choose to do. It's also the things that we choose not to do. Why do we choose not to do things? Fear? Fear of failure perhaps. Boredom? Apathy? Disinterest is the root of those things. With all of the wonders of this world, why choose to put yourself into the position of disinterest?
Rise up.
September 23 2007 10:57:54 PM
A prayer for the disheartened
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Anger will carry you only so far in life.
Beyond that, only love is stronger.
September 23 2007 05:54:37 PM
E-Mail
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There are millions of people all over the world that have benefited from the E-Mail revolution. Families brought closer together. Friends in different time zones, different countries. Minds sharing ideas, collaborating.
I am not one of them.
I hate e-mail. I despise it. I am slave to my inbox and I dread opening it day after day. My work e-mail I have little choice about. It's the defacto standard for receiving your marching orders from your corporate overlords. The question is always, what stupid hoops will I have to jump through today? My personal e-mail I have more choice about and I will go through periods where I avoid it for weeks. The problem with that is that a massive backlog will pile over my hiatus and assail me when I am fool enough to open it again. Each and every one demanding my attention, my time.
So my motivation to check my e-mail is choosing constant bits of harassment over a massive onslaught of it.
The irony is that everyone wants something and the more I look at it, the less I get done.
July 30 2007 10:50:19 AM
Greener Grass
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It is a matter of difference.
On a superficial level it is the people. The way that they think. Or don't think. They way that they interact. The things that they choose to focus on.
It seems that I've always had deep fundamental differences from those people. Most of them anyway. The majority rule tends to suppress the outliers.
I've learned to blend in over time. I learned a long time ago that those that stand out are rarely rewarded for it. The tallest blades are the first cut by the mower. Now I wonder if I even remember who I am. I fear that the longer I maintain it, the more likely I am to believe the myth.
Never have I stopped searching for a place to fit. Always looking for a bit of greener grass. Maybe there isn't any. And besides, grass is for sheep. Or cattle led to the slaughter.
Maybe the answer is that we just have to let go and find our own destiny.
November 22 2006 08:21:48 AM
Instant Replay
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I was familiar with the concept of the Instant Replay long before broadcast technology popularized it in Professional Sports. I've always seen them right after I royally screwed something up.
It is both a blessing and a curse. I replay every detail of what I did wrong and analyze it. I come up with solutions, things that I could have done better, after the crucial moment has passed. I learn; but too late to make the play.
We grow by the lessons that life teaches us.
November 21 2006 01:08:40 PM
Mental Exercise
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I've been taking Kung Fu for about a month now, and the exercise has been good for me.
Moreso for my mind than for my body.
The extreme amount of discipline that it takes to tell yourself that something that you think is impossible isn't is something that few people can get past. We tell ourselves that we cannot do things. We tell ourselves that we have to operate within limits. We are wrong about those things. Limits are something that we place upon ourselves. They can be broken. But it takes discipline; focus. And above all else, you have to believe.
This is how you become stronger, faster, and smarter, than you ever believed that you could possibly be.
October 25 2006 10:01:29 PM
Remembering Strength
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Long ago I was made of Iron.
Straight down to my molten core. I was a blade. Forged in the fires of Hell. Stronger than steel, sharp, focused.
The fire spilled out of my heart though, and I was left cold for a long time. My edge was dulled, and rust took its course; as my soul weathered the long years. Battered by the relentless tyrany of life, it was a long time before my heart felt warmth again. I struggled to learn a new way to live. I struggle still.
I once had tremendous strength. But it was based on the wrong things. The path that I was on was a dead end. Now I seek strength again. I must remember that now I seek it for the sake of those I love.
September 08 2006 11:31:03 PM
Bridges
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I've always had a thing for bridges.
Many hours of my mispent youth were spent hanging out, on, or around bridges. I think that I like them because when you cross a bridge, you have a definitive sense of being somewhere else. A simple span across the divide can mean so much symbolically that certain bridges have become iconic in our culture.
I think that deep down, we all have a bit of that wanderlust that makes us wonder what's across that next bridge. I, for one, have never been one to hesitate to find out.
July 03 2006 03:49:13 PM
Lost June
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June escaped me. It's truly astonishing. It's like it never existed.
I realized with a start last saturday that an entire month had gone by and I have nothing to show for it. Now, as those who know me will attest to, my concept of time is rather loose to say the least. But it's quite rare that I misplace an entire month. I shall have to rant sometime about my theory on how time is not nearly so linear and metered as popular notions about it would lead you to believe.
Perhaps I'll find June somewhere in the midst of July.
June 20 2006 02:06:07 PM
Haven
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I used to have little havens. Places where I could go to think, reflect, and escape from the persecution of everyday life.
When I was a child, it was under the bed or a tiny nook in back of a closet, behind all the clothes. As I got older, the places changed. A remote place in the forest, far off the beaten path. The roof of an abandoned warehouse. Under a bridge. A forgotten playground.
The commonality was solitude.
I think that I haven't bonded with this place enough to find a haven here.
Home is a haven, but it's not quite the same. Teresa is a haven as well, but sometimes I need to be alone.
I feel very alone at work, but it's more akin to isolation than anything comforting. And it's based upon coercion and necessity, which makes it a burden instead of a comfort.
This non-existant place is nearest thing that I have to a haven now. A poor substitute, but I'm desperate enough to take what I can get.
June 09 2006 04:55:22 PM
The March of Time
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Slowly, but with purpose, time marches on
grinding me under it's merciless boot
the body complains
the mind separates
leaving me here, wondering what the point of it all was.
June 01 2006 08:09:54 PM
Rain or Shine
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I didn't ride to work today because there was a significant chance of rain. The past two days there was a nominal chance of rain and I rode anyway. Guess what? I got rained on. So today I played it safe.
On my way home from work it was sunny and temperate. The sky was blue and I passed several motorcycists that looked like they were enjoying it immensely. Here is the lesson:
You cannot live you life as if it's going to rain. For if you do, it will only rain on you.
June 01 2006 01:44:20 PM
Offline
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I'm going offline for a little while. I need some time to defrag.
June 01 2006 10:48:34 AM
Limited Resources
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Everything in life is defined by it's constraints.
People are no exception. There is only a limited amount of time and energy that I have in a day, and I have to make choices on how I expend those resources. Naturally, that falls into two categories: things that I want to do and things that I have to do. Occasionally those two will overlap for a while. That is the best case scenario; when you get to work on something that you love. Lucky are the few that have that luxury. It's a rocky, narrow path to get there.
May 16 2006 06:34:27 PM
IS CURSED!
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Way back a long time ago, when I was still junior enough to be saddled with lowly admin work like fixing people's messed up PCs, [yes, i think we all go through that phase], I had a ritual. When a computer was so horribly h0rk3d, that I couldn't do anything with it, I'd stick a little yellow sticky on it with the words IS CURSED!! and a big fat skull and crossbones, and I'd call it done.
I wish I could do that to this day.
Nothing has gone right. I've taken flak from every side. And my resolve is starting to falter. I think I'm just going to go home and go back to bed. Maybe I'll reboot on a new kernel and the problem will be fixed.
April 24 2006 11:56:29 AM
Meaningless Words
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"To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer."
~ Farmers' Almanac, 1978
Josh said that he liked my sig line on my work email. That means it's time to change it.
I picked it because it sounded like a bit of antiquated truism, but it really means nothing at all. Perfect for a sterile corporate environment. I'm tired of neutral colored walls, half-whispered cubicle conversations about the weather, and everything else about this flourescent hell that I live in.
I'm ready to get my hands dirty. I learned a little while back that grease is liberating and the cuts and nicks you get on your hands reminds you that you're alive. It's about time that I accomplished something meaningful.
I want my sig to be something about that.
April 11 2006 05:51:15 PM
Spring Cleaning
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Whoever came up with the term Spring Cleaning Anyway?
I suppose it's of no consequence. By random chance or cosmic alignment, I decided to go through my server and do some tidying up today. I removed some old, substandard content and put up some fresh, crisp content that hopefully won't get so stale. I also decided to release my blog code publicly because I could see no reason not to. Well, other than public ridicule, but how else am I going to become a better coder? I do hope that it's useful to someone other than myself. I know that Jason uses it over at malu, since I set it up there, so I at least have one user. :-)
I also announced Cores, which is going to be the client portion. Now all I have to do it teach myself GTK, Cocoa and remember how to write C. Since it's a lot, I'll give myself a couple of weeks.
February 01 2006 11:38:18 AM
Taoist Moment
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Does the rock hate the ocean for crushing it into sand?
Does the fish fear the fisherman, or does he fear the hook?
Such is the way of things.
Eventualities.
January 31 2006 02:56:42 PM
This Temporary Existence
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Food for thought? Chew on this.
life, n: The whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
-- anonymous
January 22 2006 09:34:27 PM
The Underdog
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I find that I'm always rooting for the underdog. The downtrodden man. The guy with the rotten luck. The team that's unfavored by 20:1 odds.
What is it with the Underdog? How'd he get that way? Is it poor choices that he's made? Is it really just rotten luck? Is there a chance for redemption? Yes. There is always a chance. There are always new choices. And you never know when things are going to turn around.
Is it possible to live your entire life in the wrong direction and then stop mid-point and say.. I think today it's all going to change. Stranger things have happened.
Go get em' Underdog. Today might be your day.
October 21 2005 03:20:15 PM
Ambition and Self-perception
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When I was a kid, I wanted to be an astronaut. Or a fighter pilot, or an aerospace engineer. Whatever happened to that? I used to have very grandious views about what I could accomplish in my lifetime. And I always had the ability to do it. My entire life, people always told me that I have "great potential". Even on into my professional career, I often had people that knew me well tell me that I was "better than this". It doesn't happen as frequently as it used to though. I think that I'm getting tired. I don't try as much anymore. There's too little reward to be gained by it.
I think that I will have to start my own business. Then at least, my effort will be directly proportional to my success. Working for the man is like taking all of your chi and throwing it into a black hole. The hole will not be satisfied and neither will you.
September 06 2005 10:18:24
Life Changes
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Sometimes life suddenly changes when you least expect it. And every once in a while, it changes in a very good way.
It's all happened so quickly, I hardly even know what to say. I try to express myself in an interesting and creative way here, but it seems that there are too few words in my vocabulary that describe the bliss and euphoria that I am feeling. So for once I'll be blunt and to the point.
I'm getting married. And I've never been neither more certain, nor happier about anything in my life.
August 29 2005 17:43:26
Focus
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I used to be so incredibly and single-mindedly focused. I was ambitious. I knew what I wanted from life, and I was poised to take it. Somewhere along the way I got lost.
I was led astray by illusions of love. One of the few things that can truly motivate me. And ironically, one of the few things that can truly destroy me. I do not regret. For to regret is to live in the past. And to live in past is fatal. Or perhaps a fate worse than death.
But the truth is somewhere in between. I knew little of what I really wanted in life. I knew only of what I was taught to want. Of what I had learned to want, more accurately. I know now that the world is not nearly so ideal as I once thought. Absolutes are fallicy, and those that deal in them are destined to unhappiness and heartbreak. One has to be a little more forgiving than that, but without compromising the things that are truly important. Core.
Remember that; forgiveness is a strength. Not a weakness.
I'm finding it again though. The path that was lost so long ago. But I was lucky. I found a guide. Someone to center me. Someone that fixed the broken bits. I'm moving with purpose again. And things are happening because I make them happen. Not because I happen upon them.
August 12 2005 11:03:34
Random Happiness
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It seems like often when we concede defeat and resign ourselves to a lonely, miserable existance, that's when life folds in upon itself, twists around, does a few axles and kicks you squarely in the ass. I made a new friend last night. One who was found in the most unexpected of places. It was a completely random and wonderful find. Words really fail me here. Perhaps I'll be feeling more articulate later and give it another go.
August 10 2005 02:15:00
Cleaning Up
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She left. And she took the Laundry detergent with her. The shampoo. The conditioner. and basically all of the cleaning supplies. I guess she thinks that I'm incapable of either bathing myself or cleaning my house since I'm just some barbaric guy. I'm reminded of the Hardee's commercial where the guy desperately squeezes a few drops of coffee out of a really questionable sock into his mug and then drinks it.
But I was just fine before, and I'll be just fine after. The sun rises tomorrow and starts another day.
Stay tuned. I finally wrote a small script to help me generate these entries in lieu of a big fancy program like I planned. Pragmatism as usual, proves far more useful than perfectionism. What's it all mean? More frequent entries my friend.
June 15 2005 02:14pm
Me and my Quarter Life Crisis
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Well, apparently it's not just me. I've seen this happen to enough people like to me realize that there's something about being a mid-20s, extremely bright, at the top of your field engineer that makes you go bonkers and want to quit your job, buy a fast car and get the fsck outta dodge.
My best guess is that this is how long it takes to realize that the things that you thought were important, that you were TAUGHT to value, really don't mean shit in the greater scheme of things. It's expected of us. We're supposed to have nice, stable, well-paying jobs. We're supposed to settle down in nice little houses in nice little neighborhoods, and drive sensible cars to our nice little corporate jobs.
But you know what? I'll never get it all done going this route. I'll never take the time to tour Europe, or do the Appalachan trail. Not on two weeks of vacation a year. I'll never go scuba diving off the Great Barrier reef. I'll never do any number of things that I want to do before I die. We rationalize these things to ourselves. We think, "If I just work hard and make more money, the time will come later." Yea, you're right. It will. When you're laying on your deathbed thinking about everything you didn't do. Or even worse, when you're sitting at a checkers table in the old folks home.
Why not make something out of what you love? I hate my job. I love working on my bike. Why not do that? Why not open a book store? Or a coffee shop?
What are you waiting for?
April 28 2005 09:03:08
Thought for the Day
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Love is a grave mental disease.
-- Plato
April 22 2005 04:25pm
creativity
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Way to go Piro. I'm proud of you. You finally developed a plot today.
I've always thought that creativity is selective. Just because you're a creative person, doesn't make you creative in all areas, the gift can be very specific sometimes. In Piro's case, he's a good artist, but his writing has been lacking direction for a while now.
Creativity can manifest itself in many ways though. I feel like I used to express myself fairly well through programming. It's actually more of an art than a science in a way. Or perhaps a tasteful blending of the two would be more accurate.
I'd say say that a good part of leading a balanced life is finding whatever it is that you can do to express your creative side and pouring every ounce of passion and frustration into it. Here's to therapy. cheers.
April 19 2005 04:44pm
new life
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My second nephew was born the other day. Strange, the way my mind operates. All, I could think of was the challenges that he has ahead of him. As he struggled to expell the mucus from his lungs, I muttered under my breath, "And this is only the beginning".
I'm not really a pessimist anymore I think. I only try to look at things objectively. Perhaps my outlook is perceived as harsh by some, but I prefer to prepare for the eventualities and enjoy the calm times when I may. I keep an even keel, and a steady hand on the rudder.
Set your course by the stars boy. And you just might get there someday.
PS - Happy birthday Julia. Wherever you are.
April 07 2005 09:09am
bitter
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It's funny how a situation can change things that you thought you knew.
Take for instance coffee. I love coffee. Drink at least a pot of the stuff every day. Now, when I'm talking about coffee here, I'm not talking about the fru-fru stuff that you get at Starbucks that has a liter of sugar and whipped cream on top, I'm talking about straight black, bold roast coffee. The real coffee drinkers out there know what I'm talking about. Anyways, to get to the point, I enjoy my coffee. Except for at work.
The swill that passes for coffee here, is some kinda freeze dried, individually packaged CRAP that tastes like it was made from fertilizer filtered through year-old gym socks. So naturally, I only drink it when I'm in such dire need for caffeine that my brain is threatening to shut down without it. So typically, what I do is either walk down to a coffee shop on the corner for cup of sweet life, or drink a cup before I leave for work, which invariably makes me late[r].
So, what's a junkie to do? Well, while shopping in the grocery store the other night, I was walking down the coffee isle when I saw the solution to my coffee woes. A big, old fashioned, stainless thermos. Fifteen bucks to my caffinated salvation. Sold! So, I've got the master plan now, set my timer on my coffee pot to make some java while I snooze away in the morning, and then dump the whole pot of "good" coffee in the thermos for safe transport to work. I congratulate myself, mission accomplished.
Except for not. I pour a cup and when it hits my tongue, it turns to ashes. I think to myself, guess I made a bad batch. I'll try again tomorrow. Same thing. It's the most bitter stuff I ever drank. Not quite the unwashed ass taste of work coffee, but still not like when I make it at home. And then it hits me. Home. It's the context of the environment. I think that I hate work so much, and I've become so bitter, that it's sucked the enjoyment out of anything that I do while I'm there. There's nothing wrong with the coffee. There's something wrong with me, with my life. And despite all of the ability and potential that I have, I feel powerless to break the chains that bind me. They say prison food tastes really bad. I bet that they're right.
March 30 2005 07:57pm
the unwashed masses
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I ocassionally go through these periods where people bug me. Alot. Like, to an intolerable extent. I'm pretty sure that this is a throwback to a time when I couldn't cope with people at all, since I was socially undeveloped. I was very solitary kid you see. One of those that was really brainy and hid under his bed to read and be alone. I somewhat attribute this to the fact that I was allergic to everything, and it probably didn't help that I was small for my age, and less than atheletic. If you were one of the naturally strong and atheletic kids, you or someone like you probably beat me up at some point.
Anyways, I digress from my point. (as I often tend to do)
I've been avoiding most people lately. Avoiding phone calls, emails, etc. I just want to be left alone. But the odd thing is, when I go through these periods, I tend to talk to people more that I don't know. I post more to forums, I email people that I admire, but have never had the guts to write to. It's really weird.
I think I'm going to have a glass of whiskey and avoid the phone for a while. Cheers to all you normal people who have normal social behavior.
March 05 2005 09:49pm
There are 10 types of people...
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I've found that there are about a million different ways to put a suffix on the common phrase: "There are only two types of people in the world... [insert binary comparison here]". Not that this is remarkable in itself, the English language is full of axioms that may be twisted by their utterer to their on devices. Nevertheless, I shall abuse this tired old phrase once more in a simple observation of human behavior.
There are only two types of people in this world. Those who do things, and those who speak at length and grandiously about doing things. Now, given this simple tenet, I must acknowledge that the world is not so black and white. For the same person can be either of those things at some point or another in their life. Oftimes, one must be pushed to a point in order to stop talking and act. A moment in time, an epiphany, pushes the talker to the point of becoming a doer. However, there is also a counter-force at play. Security. Knowing where your next meal is coming from is a powerful motivating force in it's own right. To overcome such base instincts of survival takes great determination, and perhaps even a pinch of madness.
But life can do that to you. Drive you mad.
March 03 2005 07:41pm
fever
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It's when I'm feverish that I have my most startling moments of clarity.
The world slows down to a crawl, like molassess dripping from a broken jar. I feel like I'm floating; above my body, looking down, observing.
And I see the flow. Like a river etching its way over a barren wasteland. As it comes to forks, it must determine which way to go. There are many variables. But in the end, the path of least resistance is usually the way the liquid flows.
But if it only took the path of least resistance, it would be far too predictable. No, my dear, it is not that easy. It is the abberations that make the flow interesting to watch. It's not every day you see a river flow uphill. But it happens.
Because sometimes there are pressures that lie beneath the surface.
It's still funny to me. From up here, I can see options I'd never have even considered. What is life, withough risk? What is worth having that is not hard won? I pity those that have life given to them. Their flow is only a trickle through the channels dug by their forefathers. The emptiness they feel, is the hollowness of the great canyon walls around their miniscule existance.
February 9 2005 11:10pm
minor earthquakes
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Everything was so neat and orderly. Seemed like i was getting it together. Things were falling into place.. personally and professionally. All these little steps that i've taken; like moving pieces on a chessboard, setting up for the coup de tait. Then something unexpected happens. No actual event, but it's as if a little earthquake happened without my noticing, slightly shifting my carefully laid pieces about.
I'm irritated. very irritated.
I could name a few small reasons, but it's all stuff that normally doesn't bother me. One of the benefits of having a rough childhood is that you develop natural armour; a thick skin that not much can get through.
I think that it's probably me. Getting irritated with myself. Impatient. Seems like I've spent most of my life waiting. Waiting for the right moment. The right opportunity. The right girl. The right job. I've earned my patience. But everything has it's limits. And my patience is running out.
January 21 2005 10:41am
momentum
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A body in motion, will remain in motion, unless acted upon by an outside force. The problem is that there are so many outside forces. I'm trying hard to keep moving, but unless I'm able to reach escape velocity, gravity always wins.
Small things, small steps, just the slightest acceleration. But it's a start. I can do this. I have the ability. I can break the chains that bind me to my prison. But it's going to take time. Everything costs time.
And I fear time. Because I know all too well, that time makes you complacent.
January 12 2005 3:45pm
death
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One of the things that I dislike most about being agnostic is that when someone dies, I don't know what to say. Christians have it easy. They can say, "Your friend is in Heaven now". Hindus have it even easier, they believe in reincarnation. "Your friend isn't dead, he's been reborn". Isn't that a much nicer thing than, "He's gone, and there's nothing I can do about it."
No words of comfort are adequate. I hope that he had a good life. I really do. That is all that we can do; enjoy the time that we have.
January 11 2005 11:53pm
coming about
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When you're adrift at sea, there are certain eventualities. One of those is that given enough time, you are going to collide with something. Now that something is the variable. It could be the shore of an uncharted island, where nothing but a slow, lonely death awaits you. Or you could reach civilization, and be saved. Or perhaps you will just collide with a rock in the night, and sink to an icy tomb on the bottom of the sea.
The point is that when you're adrift, you have no control. You go only where the wind and the current take you. The hell with that. I'll find a way to make a rudder.
December 30 2004 10:55am
losing focus
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I can only conclude that it's been gradual.
The slow slip into an apathy so deep that I didn't even notice it. A compliance with a fate that I no longer have the energy to rail against. I have odd thoughts, like, "I wish that I still had my hatred. The demons that consumed me also drove me on". It was the only motivating force that I ever had in my life. Now what am I? A cog in the great machine? Psychology tells us that there are two basic motivators: pleasure and pain. Pain is the only one that ever worked for me. And I've become numb to it. The logical conclusion would be that I should try to motivate myself by reward. But historically, that has never worked. If I can deny myself something contingent upon completion of said task, then I didn't really want it anyway. Having an obsessive-complusive personality sucks that way.
It seems like a long time ago, I used to take pleasure in my work. I had exceptional ability and it was recognized by my peers. Monsterous workloads were put on me and although I liked to bitch about it, I loved it. Particulary when I was racing the clock. There is no urgency in evaluating a new system; no thrill in creating something supplementary.
It's like my brain has atrophied from disuse. I used to have so many problems to feed it and it would just rip through them happily. Now, the menu has changed from filet mignon to dog food.
I'm bored. So incredibly bored.
I'm like a carcass from a silent war rotting upon the slopes of apathy
October 05 2004 10:00am
turn the wheel
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I'm a bit of an amateur mountain biker. When you're going down a trail in the woods, there are many obstacles, and you have to make decisions quickly in order to keep from going down. There are places where the trail is narrow and you have to narrow your shoulders to squeeze through, and there are places where the trail is steep and you just have to pedal harder, because if you stop you lose your momentum and it's much more difficult to get started again. And then there are the rocks, and the roots, and the bumps in the trail. Every inch of forward momentum is a fight against these guardians of the path. The only way to deal with this safely is to turn your wheel into them and hit them head on. It's going to jar you a bit, and it's sometimes kinda scary over the big ones, but it's the only way to keep moving down the path that you have chosen.
September 20 2004 04:44pm
The fury and the calm
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Wow. I just realized that it's been a few weeks since I've written anything. I guess that I got pretty busy there for a while. A lot has happened.
The Ducati that I went to Ohio for was a wash. It had been wrecked and I refused to take it. The mixture of emotions that I felt when I realized that I had driven all night to make the 6am appointment was overwhelming. It washed over me like a tidal wave of disappointment and pure fury. I got screwed. And I've sworn vengence. By the way, never try to drive for 26 hours straight in a car. It really sucks. Thank God Derek was there to help me, and keep me centered and sane through the whole ordeal. Well, you know that I don't particularly believe in God, but in the event that we do happen to live in a Universe with allowance for divine providence, I am very appreciative to have a friend like him.
I lived through a hurricane last week. It was almost fun in a way. Of course, I've always had a certain affinity for a good storm. He had a good hurricane name. I've been refering to it as 'Ivan the Terrible' or 'Ivan the Destroyer', kinda like a Conan movie.
Being without power surprisingly didn't really bother me all that much. I kinda liked the candles at night and natural light during the day. I could get my net fix with my phone/laptop combo, although I had to partake of it sparingly.
And I got to see my sweet girl. She was in town fleeing the fury of Ivan. Perhaps Ivan wasn't so terrible after all. There was a little bit of drama involving certain family members, which had my stomach in knots, but she has a very calming effect on me. So I'm fine, and for the first time in my life, strangely optimistic.
Last weekend, I made another attempt on a Ducati. This one involved a gentleman from Atlanta that turned out to be a fellow geek. He was a really cool guy. Anyone that offers me a beer before I even shake his hand is ok in my book. The monster was perfect. The whole experience was perfect this time. The complete polar opposite of my train wreck that had happened the weekend before. So I brought back a new baby from Atlanta that day. I cannot describe to someone who has never ridden, how much fun it is. There's nothing else like it.
The motorcycles are still revolving around my head in circles, but now they're going faster. I can't wait to ride again.
September 28 2004 12:05am
fighting the wind
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When you're riding a motorcycle at any kind of decent speed, you're fighting a battle between you and the wind. When you first start out and you're inexperienced, it can be very tiring and eventually, you have to concede defeat and rest for a while. But then you start to learn. You learn that if you give in you can hold yourself against the wind, and it holds you back. It supports you, and it doesn't make you tired. It becomes less of a battle, and more of a partnership. So it's really not a battle at all, and there's no need for any anxiety. Once you've reached that point, you can just relax and enjoy the ride.
And I am enjoying the ride. So, so much.
September 08 2004 11:59pm
Exhaustion
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I'm exhausted. I just got home. It's been a long day. Still trying to get everything squared away in preparation for this weekend. And I'm still a grand short. How much do they pay for plasma at the blood bank? If I cash in my savings bonds (not worth much) and sell some of my CD collection and DVDs, I think I might make it. It's getting down to the wire though, and I still need to hear back from the guy. Somewhat apprehensive. I've got my hopes up too much, something is going to go wrong.
September 03 2004 05:35pm
treading water
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sometimes i tire of treading water
i want to sink and feel the water's cool embrace
loving arms that wrap around my fevered, broken flesh
that drag me to her sweet oblivion
September 03 2004 11:18am
Stress
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You win some and you lose some, right? Well, I won the Ducati on ebay last night. It was a complete surprise, I wasn't expecting to win. I only placed one bid and I thought it was a really low bid for a Dark Monster. But I won, and now I've got to figure out how to pay for it. I'm excited that I won the bike, but I'm stressed b/c I got shot down by my own bank for a piddly tiny loan. Well, I guess it's time to push the limits of my credit card. I hate falling back on that, but it's looking like my best bet.
I need to get things straight in my life. It's starting to come together, but I just can't do it all at once. it's too overwhelming. Finances, my house, my job, relationships. I wish that I could just focus on one at a time and fix it completely, rather than just slapping patches on each one as needed. Hell, my life isn't even that complicated and I can't deal with it. I'm single, I have no family (unless you count my cat, but he's not too terribly demanding), and the job isn't too terribly daunting. I just want everything to be smaller, more managable. I've thought about getting a smaller place. I'd probably be fine in an efficiency apartment. I don't know. moving is a hassle too. well, no more time to waste here unfortunately.
September 01 2004 10:43 PM
Broken Clay
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I'm not broken, I'm just cracked Nothing a little glue won't fix
Perhaps not fractured, perhaps just bent but now I'm getting back on track
I've not forgotten, and I never gave in but I've made concessisions where I must
I'm not lost, just a little off track But I've still got my compass
